The Loss Of Who I Used To Be
Don’t get me wrong – I sleep, eat, and breathe this life. I love being a mom. But… sometimes… I really miss the person I used to be.
She was the get up and go girl at the drop of a hat. She would stay up all night and sleep in until noon. She enjoyed pizza at any hour of the day and ice cream every night of the week. She was boy crazy, naïve, and trusting. She was the type to drive aimlessly down country roads – burning gas just for fun – as she sung her heart out to the radio. She was never high maintenance, but knew how to make a good impression. She spent hours on the phone with friends talking about everything and nothing. The possibilities of life were only limited by – her own mind. She spent years praying for the day she could be an adult and finally make her own decisions. She was young and vibrant. She would dream about her future and the thrill of the unknown. Where would she travel? What career would she chose? Would she be a lone wildflower or settle down to start her own family? What would be her happily-ever-after?
Oh, how the tables have turned. She was boy crazy and now she’s going crazy from her two little boys. When she wants to leave the house – it now requires a fully packed diaper bag, a drink for each child, a spill-proof snack, and 3 last-minute potty stops. Sleeping in late looks like 6:30 a.m. and she needs a cup of coffee (or two) just to get her mind on track for the day. She makes another cup to save her from the mid-day crash and she never sees the day past ten. She now drives aimlessly, out of gas, trying to find soccer fields and birthday parties while listening to The Mickey Mouse Clubhouse on blast. She’s critical and opinionated. There’s never any leftover pizza and on Friday nights she hides the ice cream from her kids hoping to get a few spoonfuls to herself. Her new idea of a good impression is wearing a bra and a shirt without stains. During phone conversations– she can hardly put together a coherent thought. She is always distracted and apologizing for yelling out hostile obscenities in the background. At one time she was Miss Messy Hot, but now, she is best described as – Mrs. Hot Mess.
The path she chose is beautiful… a family to fill her heart and a career to fill her brain. But that path has a toll, as every path does. She will never again have a care-free, worry-free day in her life. A part of her will always be tucked down deep inside, but nowadays, those memories are fleeting. And while the journey ahead is still filled with surprises creeping in at every corner… life is surely different.
Once upon a time, that young girl stood looking out over the ledge and decided to make the jump, as all mothers do. That’s the funny thing… in order to accept what we will become, we have to have the courage to let go of who we were.
Today, that woman stands brimming with joy about the lives she’s created.
Their possibilities? Limitless. Her love? Boundless.
The decision has given her the amazing chance to learn the true meaning of love.
And that love has been the greatest gift.
But, oh, how I miss her.